Matter

I matter! I suspect I have mentioned that once or twice in the context of this young blog. In all of the time I have been writing, there have been two dominating topics. One is sex! Woohoo! The other is one men with whom I expressed some rather dark thoughts. If I may be plain about it, I have expressed anger and hurt in regards to this men. I have said cruel things about him and in regards to him. I have insulted his intelligence, made him seem less human (and less humane). If I wanted to go on about what I have said, I would go back and read my own posts (and some of those posts have now been removed). I apologize. To this men I apologize. I already apologized to him by voice and by email before considering writing this post. I am choosing to apologize here (even knowing full well she would tell me it is not necessary) because here is where I said so much that was intended to (and did) hurt him.

That is one part of the story. The other part is that she apologized to me as well. Also by voice and by email. The story is rather long and complex and simply more than I really want to put within this blog (at this time I’ll reserve the right to write whatever shit I wanna). In short, over the course of the last thirteen or fourteen months, I sincerely questioned whether or not I mattered. I questioned whether or not what she and I went through meant anything to him or if it was only me. I did say it many times that what I thought, and what I felt, and what I basically was as a person needed to matter. In the meeting of our minds, and I’ll dare to even say our hearts. I have found that I always did matter to him.

He had him reasons for not being able to show it. I never wanted to drive him away, but I did things which drove him away. That is something that too often happens in relationships and like so many I was unable to change or alter that course. I do not have to ask for acceptance of my apology. He does not have to ask me to accept hims. I accept and I give trust he has accepted my apologies. I said before within this blog that I forgive him. I now feel that in my heart. A weight that I have carried all this time has been lifted. One of three things that left me struggling to get through each day has been resolved. I hope the second of those three will be resolved very soon, and I guess I will just have to accept that the third one may never be resolved.